Mind if I go all critiquey? Or should I be more vague and gut-reaction?

Hmm... well, since it was kind of spur-of-the-moment-y I would probably go with vague and gut-reaction... But I am curious as to what your critiqueyness would be like... So how about both? Tell me your vague gut reaction first, then elaborate into a proper critique

--
98% of Deviants don't know the difference between "your" and "you're." If you're one of the 2% that wants to punch 'em, put this in your sig.

Right. Gut reaction is pretty bleh. It feels strained, like it's trying to hard to be a poem. A lot of the rhyme seems to be stretched, and some of the phrasing feels antiquated just for the sake of it. There's some great moments, but they're not the main thrust.

As for criitiquingness:

First Stanza
"The country of Wordsworth and the great Shakespeare/Such inspired writing comes from so near" Is the first instance of a bit of a recurring problem here when the lines don't match up at all in number of syllables. It breaks the rhthym. If nothing else, you could at least do away with "and the great" because everyone knows who Shakespeare is anyway.
"I feel my steadily increasing wit/Increase steadily in this place." I'm assuming that tautology is intentional, but I really don't like it. You've just said your wit is increasing steadily, I wouldn't say it again, especially not in the very next line.
Second Stanza
"These mysteries of the mind’s shelf," That line feels really strained to fit into the rhyme scheme. I'd suggest doing away with the earlier "self" and finding something that won't end up with you getting stuck when you arrive at this line.
"Of inner peace. The torments doubled" Ending a sentenced halfway through a line is ok, but not in this case. The flow grinds to a halt here and then starts up again.
"When love is lost and lost is love" Tautology again. Saying the same thing twice differently doens't add anything.
"Like the ever-rare white dove" Umm... Ick. Sorry, but that's all I can think of saying.
Third Stanza
"My tangent is drifting from the aim" An odd way of saying that you're going off on a tangent. I wouldn't really call it "your" tangent, and a tangent by its nature isn't part of your aim. Maybe say something more plain here with the same meaning?
"With yet more wordiness. You laugh," Again, same problem as before. The line clunks from one sentence to the other one.
"You mock me, but my words are gold/They shall, you see, be sometime sold," That is an awesome line, and my favourite of the whole piece.
"Aesethetic it is, and forms the shape." This sentece has been Yoda-ised to fit the rhyme, and feels like it. Sometimes you can get away with that in poetry, sometimes not.
"Of poetry, my fierce texts." It really should be just text there. Tis another rhyme cheat.
"(My writing is my only role)" I might just not be trying hard enough, but this doesn't seem to mean anything.
Incidentally, the word "my" is used eight times in this stanza, and you notice this before the end.
Fourth Stanza
"(The greens of grass surrounding me)" The green (singular) of grass surrounds me would work better.
"Remarkable as they are, in lore" In lore? Seems like another rhyme cheat.
"Are highly strange to one like me/ from south, 'down under', where currently" Another really neat little couplet: a close second-best part of the poem.
"The drought prevails and soaks all tone" Seeps all tone? Sucks all tone? Steals all tone? Drains all tone? I think soak is the opposite word to the one you want here.
"I find what my mere art-kit lacked." the word mere is not doing anything in that sentence. Drop it.
"The need for multiple greens now shown,/ I vow to find some more when able /To demonstrate this gardener’s table." Doesn't seem to resolve well: just sort of stops. 'Garderner's table' is also another rhyme cheat.

Well, as you can no doubt see, I've revised and updated the piece. I want to thank you heaps for your critique... And now, to respond to your individual points:

First Stanza
I agree very much about the rhythm, and hence decided to rewrite it with an actual meter. I choose tetrameter since a) some of the better lines were already in 8 syllables, b) it has more movement that pentameter - it pushes on well (and is less like dialogue) and c) it means the piece fits into the actual form I first meant to write it in.
I also agree with your comments regarding tautology. Not something I'd normally condone, but seeing as the point of me writing this the first time was to just get out some (albeit bad) poetry for my art project, I simply employed lots of very cliche ' poetic techniques'. Now that I want the piece to be any good, I've removed them

Second Stanza
Lol, yes... "the mind's shelf"... truly awful rhyme copout... And the stanza didn't exactly get better... Having realised there was nothing worth salvaging, I scrapped the whole stanza... I can personally promise you I will NEVER use the phrase "ever rare white dove" again

Third Stanza
"My tangent..." A very good point, and thankyou for making it... Replaced 'tangent' with words, fixing the meter at the same time.
"With yet more wordiness. You laugh," Unfortunately I must disagree with you here, seeing as I feel it still works well. There is a gap between the sentences, but I don't feel it trips up the line too much in this case. Although the previous example of it was pretty bad...
"You mock me..." Glad to hear
"Aesthetic it is..." Yup... sounds like Yoda it sure does... Fixed it up though
"Of poetry..." Changed that too... I did originally mean many pieces of poetry, but its clarified now anyway...
And I've hopefully made the last line make more sense now too... Ended up cutting a couple of 'my's throughout the course of my updating as well...

Fourth Stanza
"(The greens...)" I had decided to put the plural since I talk about the multiplicity of them later on, but on thinking, I agree. Point noted.
"...in lore" Heh. Another truly awful rhyme. Slashed and cut.
"Are highly strange..." Unfortunately I had to cut 'south' in order to make the metre fit (which I liked) but ah well... I'd have to agree that this is one of my favourite couplets too
"...soaks all tone" Thankyou very much for pointing this out... It is indeed the opposite of what I meant And my change has, rather coincidentally, introduced some alliteration (drought, drains, dry) which I think works in this context, since it's not overused...
"...my mere art-kit..." much as I have rephrased this part, I do mean to keep the word mere, seeing as a) it helps the meter fit, but more importantly b) it's also a reference to the Lakes District, on which the poem is based... There are number of lakes and areas called "Windmere", "Grassmere" and so on... And a number of people who've read the piece so far have already picked up and enjoyed the reference... So yeah, normally I would agree, it seems a superflous word, but there's a reason in this context...
And yes, the ending was just plain bad... "gardener's table" just shows how lazy I was with it... Slightly better now, and I also reordered the stanzas to make the concluding lines more appropriate...

Thanks once again for your comments, and feel free to add any more as you see fit

--
98% of Deviants don't know the difference between "your" and "you're." If you're one of the 2% that wants to punch 'em, put this in your sig.

I'm no poetry expert, but I think it's nice.

--
"As a nation of free men, we must live through all time or die by suicide." - Abraham Lincoln
--
Junior Admin for *TheWritersMeow.

I don't critique poetry! But I know what I like and this strikes me!

--
Professional Speaker & Author -SpunkOnAStick.net [link] & TheCircleofFriends.net [link]
The Writer's Meow on DA - [link]

Thanks very much, and for the fav also... I'm just glad I managed to clean it up from before

--
98% of Deviants don't know the difference between "your" and "you're." If you're one of the 2% that wants to punch 'em, put this in your sig.

Thanks!

--
98% of Deviants don't know the difference between "your" and "you're." If you're one of the 2% that wants to punch 'em, put this in your sig.